She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
