Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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