A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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