We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
