What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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