You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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