her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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