Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
