Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
