She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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