Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
