The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
