How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
