I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize