I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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