Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
