Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
