Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
