I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
