Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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