The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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