i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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