If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have demons in me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
