He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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