I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
