My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
