he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
