Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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