Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
