if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
