as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
