If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
