I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
