These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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