I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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