I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
