Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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