apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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