I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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