my phone needs a breathalizer
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
