Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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