I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
