How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
