dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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