the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
