she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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