if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
