wanna go halves on a baby?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
