He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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