I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The ass gains better be worth it
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