If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
