i think i scared a bird with my dick
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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