i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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