Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize