did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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