I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You dont lie about slip and slides
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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