It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize