i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
