i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize