I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
