Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
