so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
