New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
