how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
