life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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